Law Firm Recruiting
Lawyers come in all shapes and sizes, as do law firms. Most lawyers are shaped like pyramids, with small heads and large bellies. Similarly, most law firms are structured like pyramids, with a small number of partners abusing a large population of junior-level associates.
People choose to pursue law firm employment for a variety of reasons, including their interest in buying things. There is a perception that these firms provide training, opportunities to work on interesting matters, and an upward track toward partnership. There are also people who believe in dragons and fairies.
That’s why it’s a good thing that most firms have little interest in recruiting students from Manhattan Law School. For the ones that do, we collect resumes on their behalf and arrange on-campus interviews in our fanciest conference room, and even provide complimentary pretzels.
For interested MLS students: To be considered for an interview slot, fold your resume into an origami giraffe, and then place it in the exact center of the recycling bin outside the Career Services office. If an interview for which you are qualified becomes available, flying monkeys will descend on your apartment and carry you off to a magic land where pasty-faced partners will spit bread crumbs in your face while pontificating about their importance to the global economy.
For interested employers: Please note that we charge a non-refundable $150 fee for reading this far down on the web page, and a $500 facilities fee in order to use our chairs. Also please read our recruiting policies below.
Recruiting Policies for Prospective Employers
Our students come from diverse backgrounds. Some may have accents or smells to which you are unaccustomed. Nevertheless, we ask that employers treat them with respect and avoid unfair discrimination. With help from the monitor assigned to us by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission after the investigation into our faculty hiring practices, we have developed a list of inappropriate interview questions. We appreciate your attention to these.
Inappropriate Interview Questions:
- How long have you been disabled? Can you get out of your wheelchair?
- What does the man you call your father do for a living?
- Are you the first in your family to attend an English-speaking law school?
- Are you married/single/engaged/divorced or dating? Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?
- Do you plan to have children? What is your sperm count?
- Are you currently pregnant or just fat?
- Would you move if your spouse secretly killed a man and needed to leave the state?
- How old are you? Do you know how to use a computer?
- Have you ever seen a Supreme Court Justice naked? Would you like to?
- Do you really think women can practice law as well as men?
- What do you mean you have a “partner?”
- Where were your relatives born? Do you think all of you might be willing to go back there?
- Which mental illnesses do you have?
- What is your religion? Which holidays do you observe? Can you work during them anyway?